I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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