How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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