I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
