apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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