Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
