i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
