My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
