I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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