3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
