hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
