Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
