i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
