Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
