I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
