new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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