they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
