every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
