Life is so much better after having sex.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
