I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm bleeding and have questions
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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