we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
