Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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