2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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