If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
