I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
