is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
