Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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