Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
