So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
