Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
