Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
