i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
