Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
