i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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