I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
