The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
