at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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