you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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