well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
