apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
