Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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