i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
