I hate your face
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
