I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
