dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
