my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
