I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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