I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
