I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
