Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
