I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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